MOTHER & DAUGHTER

 

Growing up as a daughter, I had a complex relationship with my mother. I used to never understand why she was being so strict and we would have fights over the silliest of the reasons. I used to hate her as a teenager. It was hard being the kind of daughter my mother wanted me to be because we had completely different values and outlook on life. She would constantly correct me and nag me about the way I did things. I would always think how when I grow up and have a daughter, I would never raise her the way my mom raised me and would be a better mother than her. I always held resentment against her in my heart and whenever she gave me an advice, I used to think to myself ‘what does she know about what’s happening’ and would simply ignore it. I simply loathed my days as a teenager and was depressed most of the time. All I ever wanted was to grow up be an adult and do things the way I wanted to.

It’s a cycle after all, mothers trying to protect their daughter and daughters just want to live as they want to. I try not to hurt her or argue with her as often as before because I understand how she feels or the emotions she might be going through as a woman. It’s easy to come in terms with my mother’s reasonings and ways as a fellow woman but as a daughter it is often hard. I wish to do things my way but the guilt of hurting and disappointing her follows me around. I understand my mother is trying to protect me and it would kill her to see me get hurt even at the slightest but how do I tell her I fell in love with pain and hurting myself? Would she take the blame on herself for being a bad parent and carry the guilt? I don’t ever want her to think she did a bad job raising me because I know she did her best and what she thought was right but at times I wish she would sit down and try to understand me or how I truly felt.

How do I tell her that I never wanted to hurt her, I didn’t know better and I just wanted to live my life completely different to her? I wish I could look my mother in her eyes, but I’m a sinner . I can never look into something so powerful and not question my whole existence , realize how far I’ve strolled away from being a good daughter to her. I’ve disappointed and hurt her more than times I can count, but she has done the same to me. That’s how life rolls. Mothers and daughters are like that, always meant to hurt each other in the process of growing up as individuals and at some point, you as a daughter will understand your mother so much better than you thought you ever would. I love my mother so much now and I wouldn’t trade her for any other mother. I wish nothing but her good health and for her to be around till I die. I cannot think of losing her, the thought that she might not be around someday makes me go completely insane. From hating her as a teenager to loving her more than anything, we all grew up into a woman ourselves.

Now that I’m an adult and I’ve grown into a woman, sometimes I look at my mother and think about how similar we are. The teenage version of myself would have never agreed or wanted this to happen. But as I grew up, I realised that my mother is also just a woman who wants to protect and wants the best for her daughter. The way she was brought up and the way she brought me is similar because she doesn’t know better. If I was a mother, I would have too probably reacted in similar ways as she did. As I grow older, I can understand my mother so much as a woman. I think to myself if I was a mother or a wife, I would probably be doing the same things she does or react the same way she does. Looking at my mother as a grown adult makes me realise, she just wanted to protect me and she meant no harm. I observe her at times and see myself in her. Not completely but parts of her reminds me of myself because in the end I am nothing but her own shadow and reflection. I exist because she does and my origin was inside her womb.